Relationships... (5th Jan.'10)

A clinical psychologist of Indian origin with a practice in Chicago recently got famous after writing a book with a provocative subtitle: 'Love Will Follow' (sub-title: 'Why the Indian marriage is burning'). The book purportedly attempts a look at the emerging contours of Indian middle-class marriages, especially the changing & progressive behavior of wives in traditional marriages, based on interactions with a clutch of couples (mostly the wives) in NCR. The author has also put up a group with the same name on Facebook, and initiated a number of discussions. 

One of the discussion topics was: 'Do you think wives drive their husbands into the arms of other women'. It quoted another site with a reference to the recent Tiger Woods episode.

What is stated in the above topic line (never mind the referred website article, too long) may be untrue for the vast majority of marriages in India. Husbands may have other reasons to philander (if that's the right word). But it may well be true for some Indian marriages, even if in a minuscule minority right now. There are some husbands (and mind you, not all staying in a family home, but as a nuclear family, so the 'culture wars' factor - ref. the book - may be as good as absent) who may consciously try to get out of the MCP mould in which their then family/society may've tried to mould them into while they were of an impressionable age. Wider exposure, sometimes on travels, sometimes due to interaction with 'emancipated' individuals/bodies, may also push them towards 'progressive' behaviour.

But then, they may find the shoe on the other foot. Now that they seem to be doing all they can (in their own perception, which is of course moulded by their own upbringing) to go all the way to 'progress' (read equality in relationships - physical, financial or otherwise), they may find they are being pushed around. Perhaps not 'unfairly' from the other's standpoint, but hugely in their own perception. Like, perhaps, having to take care of the child and home single-handedly (with some help, hopefully, from in-laws and others), while the wife focuses totally on her career. Again, not 'unfair' from her point of view (esp. if she had made career sacrifices in the past for family reasons). But the point is that, for the moment, 'equality' in the relationship is gone. And a double whammy would be the total lack of face time (and consequent lack of intimacy) that it could be accompanied with.

So, what does a typical, 40-ish Indian man do in the circumstances. Perhaps he can't think of a divorce, given extended family pressures and more imporatantly considering the effects of a failed marriage/single parent on a small child. And perhaps he's not of the disposition to shout around and cause visible unpleasantness. Some men could perhaps tend to sublimate their frustrations by getting more involved with their friend circule (drinking binges?) or community efforts. But some could think of relationships outside the marriage, sexual or not. If only (and perhaps mostly) to have at least 'someone to talk to/listen'.

Caveat: No generalisations. We're not talking here of numbers or general trends or majority, only of what could happen, perhaps in a very small minority of cases currently.

And seen from another angle, the topic itself seems to be somewhat anachronistic in these 'modern' times. After all, an emotional disconnect should absolve people from the 'duty' of keeping up the pretenses in these 'emancipated' times, no? Making a brouhaha about an 'affair' is "so 20th century", if one goes by current trends. (:-)